Examples:
"Why didn't I ever attend DBU, as I had planned multiple times?"
"Why did I live in San Antonio for a year longer than I had initially planned?"
"Why did a close friend pass away from a routine heart stress test, seemingly too young?"
"Why did I struggle to find a job upon moving to the metroplex?"
"Why did that church do that to me?"
"Why did those people hurt me?"
"Why did I hurt those people?"
"Why, why, why?"
The list was extensive. My questions and demands of God well superseded any answers I was discerning from Him. In my frustration, I became anxious. I doubted His plan, his Sovereignty, and his will to accomplish any desirable purpose in me or through me. My unanswered questions left me feeling confused, baffled, and at times angry. I, the created being, found myself with a pointed finger shaking at the all-powerful Creator of all. The lack of answers drove me to a self-indulged, pride-centered individualism. I thought that I was solely in charge. He wasn't giving answers that satisfied my passionately depraved heart, so I obviously had to give them to myself.
It didn't work. Any of it. Seeking to find my identity outside of the cross, my answers fell short, lacking of the Gospel and it's redemption. I found myself working for righteousness sake, out of the idea that these unexplainable events were divine plans for my sanctification. Meaning, I figured that I was hurt by certain groups of people solely to teach me patience. So, in an attempt to avoid making the suffering I endured pointless, I would pursue patience for the sake of patience, under the impression that this response was sufficient. Works based righteousness became the new way to operate, out of the ideology that self-sanctification was the path to the answers I sought.
November 1st, 2010 I sent my first email to Jim Essian, the lead pastor of The Paradox Church in downtown Ft. Worth. This would begin a string of events that would snowball, by grace, leading me to where I am today: A covenanted member of a Gospel-loving, Christ-centered church. A member of a City Group that I love deeply, and loves me back in Biblical community. Somehow, someone signed off on blessing me with the opportunity to make my best attempt at humbly leading worship through music on Sunday mornings for these people. (Even though I refuse to wear shoes.) I'm in a fight club with some guys that confess sin to each other, fight it with the Gospel, and love each other as men should. I hang out with and grab a beer with our guys every Monday night as we seek to live and love in the city for His glory. I love my girl, Kaity Wilson, better. I love people better, and they impulse me to love the Lord more, which impulses me to love people better still. I love the city of Ft. Worth and it's people more every time I enter it. Every bit of this has simply been possible by His grace, through His goodness, and for His glory alone. I truly can't stake claim to any of it.
On January 3rd, I tweeted: "Outside of divine intervention I would have never found @ParadoxFtWorth. They are such a massive blessing and gift to me." Today, driving down 121 South towards the city, the ramifications of this hit me. Every single one of those doubts and questions I mentioned earlier have all brought me exactly to where I am today. Each of them effected my outlook, my worldview, future decisions, and my physical location. Who I am, and where I stand at this second has simply been culminating through unknown doubts and unanswered questions.
As I drove towards the city, viewing the skyline the Lord affirmed something in me that had been brewing in me after a day of reflection. Emphatically and loudly He stated to my heart: "This is why I have brought you through the path I have! This city. These people. This church. Love them well, as I love you." All questions answered, all doubts resolved, I stand upon grace and live in supreme confidence of His Sovereignty. The paradox is The Paradox. How graciously He answered my insufficiencies with His sufficiencies. How well He extended grace freely, after I had attempted to earn it. How clearly He pointed me to His answers after I had pursued creating my own. I have no idea how this continues to manifest itself over the next coming days and months. What I do know is that I have been called to a people, directed to serve and love them well, and live for their joy and His glory in all spheres of life.
Trust Him. Worship Him. Know that He is Lord of all, and stands supreme. Unanswered questions insinuate not that He lacks control to work all things for our good. He stands outside of time and space, and is not bound by our finiteness. He's bigger than we think, better to us than we deserve, and has unfathomable plans that we can only ask humbly to understand. Live and love in grace, and trust Him in all things, and at all times.
"The heart of a man plans his ways, but the LORD establishes his steps."
(Proverbs 16:9 ESV)
May the Word move in you, and through you.
To Him be the Glory
-Matt Allen
